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Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I are a young-at-heart couple in our mid-50s but presenting measurably younger.
I, for example, have managed to keep all my own teeth, my hair in nearly the same color as my youth, and I can see all my toes when I stand up. By the standards of straight middle-aged men in the U.S., I’m a 10!
Our sex life as a couple can be characterized in a word as “ecstatic.” Our problem/query: We don’t find ourselves invited to any group sex encounters? We’ve been to sex clubs a few times, where we have enjoyed our own company exclusively (well, there were these three guys once), but we weren’t able to engage the sustained interest of other couples. We also invited a friend over for a weekend, but despite her good will the sparks never quite ignited and she hasn’t accepted a repeat invitation. We find ourselves now bereft of ideas. So, what’s the deal with this? How can we cross this item off our mutual bucket list before it’s too late?!
—Ready, Willing, and Waiting
Rich: I mean, there’s more to being attractive than having all your teeth and hair, and being able to see your toes. There’s how you present yourself, the way you carry yourself, your smell. There’s a lot of stuff that we can’t really glean from this letter to understand truly what is going on.
Stoya: So pickup artist types will tell you that confidence is key. We will also tell you that confidence is key, but one thing pickup artists, and to my recollection, we don’t often address is over-confidence or having a massive ego, and how that can be very unattractive. So when we say confidence, we’re really talking about finding a balance within your sense of self-worth.
Rich: A sweet spot.
Stoya: And this guy who is speaking for the couple, seems to be on the far side of the sweet spot in a way that may be off-putting.
Rich: Yes, exactly. But I would also say that they should go to a few more sex clubs. You’re not going to find success every time. It’s just the roll of the dice and I think that happens to everybody. As for the case he describes with the friend, I mean was it even clear to her that you both were trying to have a threesome? And if it wasn’t and she found herself in a situation where it became clear once she was there, that may be why she’s not returning the invite. She may not be interested in having sex with both of you. Not everybody wants to do that.
Stoya: Not everybody wants to have a threesome at all.
Rich: Exactly.
Stoya: It may not even be about the two of them. It might just be that the particular acts on the menu are a no, thank you.
Rich: It could be, “I had a bad experience with a couple once and I never want to do that again.” That’s something people say.
Stoya: I want to circle back to what you said about rejection. Just last night, someone told me a story that they think was about Cary Grant. I’m not actually sure if it was Cary Grant, but it makes a great little story. So some actor—who we think may have been Cary Grant—was being interviewed about his prowess with women and he said, “Well, I ask.” And the interviewer expressed, “You just ask? It’s that easy?” And the guy was like, “No, I get turned down a lot.” So there’s this sort of apocryphal tale that circulates of this very handsome, very accomplished actor who got turned down a lot.
And I can say, in my own experience, women do tend to have it easier on the dating market. Yet, I quite often get turned down. I just don’t let it crush me or put me off from continuing to ask because there are all sorts of reasons that people say no. A lot of them have very little to do with the person in front of them. A lot of them have something to do with the person in front of them, but have more to do with factors outside of the person’s control that are, like as you were saying up top, scent, eye color, vibe. Just all of these little details that either match or don’t match and are no judgment on how generally attractive the person doing the asking is.
Rich: Yes, if somebody’s not into you, that’s not a referendum on your entire existence and attractiveness. That’s one person’s subjective experience of you. So the reasonable thing to do is just take it on the chin, move on, and understand that it happens. I think that people cast themselves in this narrative in which they’re the star. But the fact of the matter is that people aren’t thinking, “Well, I don’t want to ruin this person’s life so I might as well agree to have sex with them.” Most people don’t do that. So you just can’t really invest that much of your ego or self-image in other people’s opinions. That’s the eternal lesson really.
Stoya: I feel like that covers their questions about “what’s the deal with this” and how to cross the item off of their mutual bucketlist before it’s too late. But I have to deal with the before “it’s too late” part. Older people get laid. Genuinely, like our elders, grandparents, possibly even great-grandparents.
Rich: Totally.
Stoya: We hear from them in the column. They’re still doing themselves, doing each other, going on dates. Too late is…
Rich: Not a thing. How many stories have you seen that talk about the rising STI rates in an older demographic?
Stoya: Yes. This has been happening for decades, at least that I know of. So it’s not like there’s a one-year trend of people in nursing homes boning. This is just a fact of life.
Rich: I wonder if this couple has checked out their local swinger scene, which can be distinct from a sex club. The swinger scene, involves sex, yes, but also dinners, hangs, group trips, and stuff like that. Swingers can be very group-oriented in a welcoming kind of way. And it allows people to interact so that even if—perhaps irrespective of what this guy says about his appearance and being a 10—maybe he just doesn’t scan as hot to people for whatever reason. But then they get to talking to him and all of a sudden he is hot because that sometimes happens when you talk to somebody. I think they should learn about that scene and try to join, which you can generally do for some money. It’s not generally this closed-off thing. People who want entry can often get it depending on the rules. I think that’s a good avenue to try.
As for not getting invited to parties, you have to do it and put yourself out there and invite other people as well. There has to be a trade-off. You don’t just stand there and wait for people to come to you. That’s not going to work for a lot of people unless you look like George Clooney.
Stoya: Yes, especially for heterosexual men, it’s just simple economics. They have to go out there and approach.
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I recently orgasmed during a typical massage at a massage therapy chain. It happened during a thigh massage, but no boundaries were crossed. I am married and monogamous, and I get massages for stress relief, although I prefer male therapists both for the hand strength and the added titillation.
Michael Johnson is a tech enthusiast with a passion for all things digital. His articles cover the latest technological innovations, from artificial intelligence to consumer gadgets, providing readers with a glimpse into the future of technology.
