My kids are in for a real shock the next time they see their grandparent.

Slate Plus members get more Care and Feeding every week. Have a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it here!

Dear Care and Feeding,

One of my kids’ grandparents is very sick. They have been in the hospital for a few weeks now, and my kids have not visited yet. Both my kids are young (9F and 5M), and the older is autistic, so they haven’t asked much about what is going on. Eventually we will visit and I am worried about how my son will react to how different his grandparent looks.

There are resources for death, but what about serious illness? I am worried about how his grandparent looks and behaves will affect my son. They have grown apart in the past several months, as the grandparent has been dealing with failing health, but they have a strong bond.
Are there books to prepare my son for this? My daughter is generally ok with changes in appearance and isn’t quite as sensitive, so I don’t think this will faze her. That being said, I will use the same resources for her (she will be just fine listening to books or other resources geared towards the younger set).

—Trying to Prepare

Dear Trying to Prepare,

Make sure both your kids know that they can ask you questions or share what they’re feeling, now and after the visit. Tell them that they might feel surprised or upset by the changes in their grandparent’s health, and that’s ok—they still love their grandparent and their grandparent loves them. Think about whether previewing the visit with a photograph or video of their grandparent in their current state might help. If the grandparent is able to talk about this beforehand with you, you can ask them to be understanding about the kids, too.

I don’t know of a children’s book that deals with this specific issue—maybe some readers will have suggestions for you in the comments?—but I am also a parent of an autistic child, and I’ve created and used a lot of social stories with her over the years to help her prepare for various situations and experiences. If you can’t find a book that fits the bill, maybe a story tailored to your specific family situation would? You could write it with whatever level of detail you think is best for your son, include photos of him and his grandparent, and either print it out or show it to him on your phone or tablet.

I know you’re worried, but try not to focus too much on something you can’t control. It’s important for your children to see their grandparent. They will have their own feelings about what they see and observe. And kids often see and grasp and adapt more than we think they will—yes, they can be sensitive, and sometimes unmoored by change, but they’re also often able to accept a great deal at face value, such as the love people have for them and the limitations others have. I’m sure your kids will be glad to see and spend time with their grandparent again, and hope the visit goes well.

—Nicole

More Advice From Slate

I have two sons, 3 and 5 years old. My parents watch them one or two days a week while my husband and I work. Recently, my 5-year old reported his grandpa hit him on the bottom. My son can be difficult: He does not like rules, hates to be told no, and can terrorize his brother. He is also prone to hitting us (parents and grandparents) when he doesn’t get his way.
We are against hitting our children, but I was spanked as a child and do not feel like I was abused. I confronted my dad, and he said that he did give our son a little spank—he feels horrible about it and said it will never happen again. I am OK with this … my husband is not.