My stepdaughter just made an unexpected request, and now I’m wracked with guilt.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I recently became a full-time stepmom to a sharp witted, creative, amazing 10-year-old girl. Unfortunately, her mom has chronic mental health problems and has been largely non-functional since I’ve known them. She lost custody a year ago because she couldn’t keep her apartment clean enough for a child to stay there overnight, and she has essentially faded from her daughter’s life over the past six months. She calls a few times a week to chat with her for five minutes and takes her out for a movie about once a month. She has talked about going into long-term residential treatment for bipolar/anxiety/hoarding/complex PTSD/PMDD, but hasn’t followed through.

Well, last week, the kid gave me a card.

It read: “Dear [name], I hope I can call you mom. Love, [kid].” My heart nearly exploded with love but an aftertaste of guilt quickly followed. I am so honored that this little girl loves and trusts me this much, but I know that her mom would be deeply hurt if she knew. I responded in the moment by telling her how touched I was and that she could call me whatever she wants. But now I’m second-guessing myself because of how it might deepen the gap between her and her mom, and I’m not sure how to proceed. Is it wrong for me to accept that title, or do I owe it to her actual mom to keep it sacred?

—The Movie Stepmom Did Not Prepare Me for This

Dear Stepmom,

If you aren’t comfortable with your stepdaughter calling you “mom,” you don’t have to go along with it. But if you are ok with it, and your only reservation is how her mother might feel, perhaps there’s a way to acknowledge that without erasing her mom. Maybe something like: “I’m honored you think of me as a mom and I hope we’re always close. I also hope you know that you never need to choose between being close to me and being close to your mom, because we both love you very much.” You can also talk to your spouse about your worries—what do they think about their child calling you “mom”? They may have their own concerns or insights.

So many people have more than one mom/mother figure, for all sorts of reasons; in general, I think it’s ok to try and follow a kid’s lead when it comes to how they want to define the important people or relationships in their life. Your stepdaughter is old enough to know how she feels about you and her relationship with you. Again, you don’t have to accept a title you’re uncomfortable with, but the bond she has with you doesn’t necessarily have to undermine the bond she has with her mother.

—Nicole

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