My wife becomes an anxious monster preparing for vacation. Why can’t she just chill out?

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife becomes downright intolerable during the lead-up to every vacation, holiday, or special event. It’s been getting worse in recent years, and in the days leading up to our beach vacation, her anxiety, stress and anger have me at wit’s end. It makes me dread travelling all together, though, in her defense, the trip itself usually goes fine. But why are we spending money to be miserable? The packing, planning, and travel logistics are just a nightmare filled with tears, threats, and fights. I do as much as I can (though it’s usually done “incorrectly” and redone by my wife). My kids and I all need to walk on eggshells around my wife in these days. She becomes a bully and I’m downright sick of it.

—Travelling Blues

Dear Travelling,

Have you confronted your wife about her behavior before trips and major events? It’s possible that she doesn’t know how much her own struggles with these moments are impacting you. Let her know that while you love travelling with her, the time leading up to your trips can be absolutely miserable. Acknowledge that she, too, is struggling in these moments and that it’s time for things to improve. Ask her to share just what makes her so anxious and stressed out about big events and how you can help to alleviate that. When it comes to planning and logistics, offer to take on a bigger role and ask that she be patient with you regarding your ability to execute up to her standard; have her provide guidance so you can do things as close to how she would do them, but ask her to consider that it may be better to allow you to handle matters in a way that isn’t exactly as she would, as opposed to doing everything herself and being miserable. Moms/wives tend to take on a disproportionate amount of responsibility when it comes to family events, so taking things off your wife’s plate may help with her stress tremendously.

If shifting some of the responsibility for these events doesn’t improve things, you may want to suggest to your wife that she talks to a therapist about how she’s feeling. It’s one thing to be anxious before a trip, but it shouldn’t get to the point where she’s lashing out at her family. Offer to go with her if she’s nervous or hesitant and let her know that you want to making things easier for everyone.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I recently requested my sister-in-law not attend my daughter’s dance recital, and now my husband’s family is mad at me. My husband and sister-in-law were always close, but have had a tumultuous relationship this past year. My husband opened up to his sister about his feelings, and she did not receive them well. After a year of feeling like I was caught in the middle, I asked my sister-in-law for a break from communication while I processed my feelings and anxieties in therapy. For the first time in over a year, I felt significantly less anxious and miserable while I enforced this communication break.

Then, the day before my daughter’s recital, my sister-in-law sent me a message saying she would attend the recital and that I needed to be a bigger person and let her support my daughter. The message irritated me for various reasons, but also set off my old anxieties. I messaged back that I did not want her to attend as I did not want to spend my daughter’s recital in a state of anxiety, and her being there would lessen my enjoyment of the day (my husband also shared my sentiments). She angrily messaged me back and called my in-laws to tell them I was keeping her from her niece. Now, my in-laws are mad at me as well. I am tired of being in the middle and also feel like I am entitled to enjoy my daughter’s major life events without being told I’m being immature by asking someone not to attend. How do I continue to find the peace I felt while I was on a communication break with my sister-in-law and stop being made to feel like the villain in my husband’s family?

—Anxious and Villainized

Dear Anxious,

I wish you had shared a little more, such as some information about the “feelings” that your husband expressed to his sister. Either way, you have every right to want your daughter’s big events to be a safe space for you, free of people who cause you stress or anxiety. If your in-laws want to be mad about that, you can’t really do anything but acknowledge how they feel while maintaining that you are operating in your own best interest. Your SIL is entitled to feel how she does about that, but it isn’t right for her to tell you that she’s showing up anyway.

However, I do think you should give some thought to your daughter’s relationship with her aunt. While your husband and his sister may be at odds, that doesn’t mean that her relationship with her niece has to cease. How does your daughter feel about her aunt? Are they close? If so, it’s particularly important that you honor that, even as you prioritize your own mental health. Think of ways that they can remain connected without you having to facilitate or include your SIL in events where you’d rather not have her there; perhaps her aunt can come pick her up and spend the day with her on occasion. They can also talk on the phone and write each other letters. Unless your SIL has done something awful that makes you feel that she should no longer have access to your child, it’s best that you help the two of them maintain their connection.

Unfortunately, there is no way to necessarily change how your in-laws are feeling towards you over this situation. You can talk openly to them about the issues you are having with their daughter and explain why you feel better when the two of you remain distant.
But it’s still possible—likely even—that they will take her side and feel as though you are being unfair. If you are certain that you are handling things with your SIL in the best possible way, then try not to worry about how your in laws react to that. You are doing what is right for you and that is what matters.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mom recently got into Reiki and Pranic Healing, where she (and others) have to pay to study under these “doctors” to earn certificates to become spiritual healers. Do I need to be worried? It all began with her interest in crystals and meditation courses after her break up from her casual boyfriend who had been verbally abusive on occasion. Because it seemed to help keep her occupied, I didn’t really pay much attention to it and thought of this as an astrology-like hobby. Likewise, despite her intense interest in this pseudoscience, she’s still very much pro-modern medication and still insists on getting vaccinated and going to a regular doctor or hospital when needed. The price of these online courses isn’t too exorbitant, and she seems to be managing her finances well in her retirement. However, she talks about how the people she met have invited her to become a “professional” spiritual healer, too, which makes me extremely concerned. What do you think I should do here?

—I Thought Crystals Were Harmless

Dear Crystals,

Many people use Reiki, Pranic Healing, and other practices that focus on energy as a tool for treating ailments, relaxation, and/or better living. I don’t think you have any reason to worry about your mother at this point; you say she’s not spending an exorbitant amount of money on her classes and she hasn’t abandoned “regular” medicine either. Your mom may find great fulfillment by practicing these healing methods, and she may in fact choose to launch a career as a healer. There is no shortage of folks out there who’d be interested in those services, even if they seem too weird or hippie-like for your own tastes. I think you should encourage your mom while still keeping an eye out for signs that perhaps she’s gone too far, such as if she were to suddenly reject modern medicine, or if she starts isolating herself away from people in her life who don’t share her interest in spiritual healing.

Dear Care and Feeding,

A month ago, I unexpectedly lost my mom, and my sister was diagnosed with a serious illness. Things in my marriage and my finances aren’t great, and I feel very sad and alone. I try to keep it contained, but I cry a lot. I’m working on a long-term plan to be able to afford a divorce, but right now, I’m grieving and trying to tread water. My husband and I both work opposite shifts, so when we’re parenting, it’s mostly solo. Our kids are 3 and 18 months old, so they’re both in the middle of developmentally normal toddler behavior, but they’re good kids. In the past week, I’ve gotten “Mommy, you’re too loud I’m trying to watch Bluey” and “Stop crying, I’m hungry!” There have also been big tantrums in response to my tears. It makes me cry harder. I know they’re just babies but it hurts, and I’m scared I might take it out on my kids when they say stuff like this. I’m on every waiting list for every therapist who takes my terrible insurance, and I’m doing everything I can. I have a college degree but still can’t get a better job and my husband does not care about this all. His family isn’t local or involved at all and mine is just my sister now. What can I do to keep my kids safe? How can I get out of this?

—At My Limit

Dear At My Limit,

First, you need to try and forgive yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong and you’re doing the absolute best you can. It may not be ideal for your children to see you cry, but it’s teaching them that you are a human being with feelings just like they are.
Things will get better; you will get to a see a therapist and eventually, you’ll be able to file for divorce. You just need to hold on in the meantime. I know that’s easier said than done, but getting through this period needs to be your primary goal. You don’t need to be the ideal mom right now, you need to be able to survive.

When you feel yourself having a crying moment, if you can safely do so, retreat to the bathroom or to your bedroom.
Give yourself five minutes to get it all out and then pull yourself together and get back to the kids. If they see or hear you crying, explain to them that something made you really sad, and that that’s okay. Let them know everyone gets sad and that they should never be ashamed for crying or feeling down. Ask them for hugs when you’re feeling down. Do your best to avoid letting them hear you cry loudly, which will cut down on some of the tantrums. Remind yourself that they are just little kids, and that they don’t understand how hurtful their words can be. When they hurt your feelings, tell them. Say “I didn’t mean to interrupt your TV show, but I’m really upset right now and it makes me feel sad when you fuss at me for that. I don’t get upset with you when you cry, and I’m asking you not to get upset with me either.”

The loss of your mother is still very fresh. You can’t be expected to be your normal self right now. Though things with your husband are not good, you should still let him know how you are struggling and ask him to be supportive in any way possible. Also, identify someone you can talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed; though your sister is dealing with her illness, she is also grieving and you may be able to support each other. If it’s not her, find a friend or a neighbor who’s willing to take your phone calls when things are too much; this is especially important when it comes to dealing with your children. If you feel yourself losing it, or like you may lash out at one of them, remove yourself from the situation temporarily and call your life line. Make sure you have a play pen or pack and play where you can place your kids at moments like that.

Things will get easier with time. Every day won’t feel like this. You just have to push yourself to keep going, day by day. Grief is a process and caring for two small children in the midst of an unhappy marriage is no small feat. Be proud of yourself for making it as far as you have already. Just keep pushing.

—Jamilah

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