After abusive childhood, brothers find it tough to get along

Dear Amy: My brother and I have always had a tenuous relationship.

Our father was abusive, but we are both in mid-life and have led fairly successful and stable lives.

I often have to walk on eggshells when speaking with my brother because he always seems to read what I’m saying or doing as an attack.

Last New Year’s Eve, I was attending a get-together with friends and he called to video chat.

I sent a quick text saying that I was with friends and that we’d talk later.

He texted, saying that he was disappointed because he had told his kids they could talk with their uncle (me), and that I seem to have chosen my friends over my nephews.

He did add that maybe he should have “given me a heads up,” but he felt the need to share how I disappointed not only him but my nephews.

I did not know how to respond and waited for three weeks to text him back and then only to wish him a good day on the anniversary of our late-mother’s birthday.

It has been three weeks and he has not responded. We’re not in touch very often, but I feel like I’m being punished.

My question is, what should I do now? Should I keep trying to reach out?

I’m sure that whatever I do will be wrong.

– Stuck

Dear Stuck: The perpetual dance of disappointment between you and your brother is a result of growing up with an abusive parent. Your relationship is unstable, in part because you were both trained from childhood to remain on high alert. Children in abusive households can never really relax and allow themselves to make mistakes, to have their mistakes forgiven, and to just – be natural. Yes, the ground is paved with eggshells.

This tension and instability defines your relationship now.

But there is an advantage to always feeling like you’re doing the wrong thing. This liberates you from having to second guess your every decision, because no matter what you do or say – it’s going to seem wrong. So – do it anyway.

You don’t need to “respond” to your brother to keep in touch with him. Just text him! Say, “Hey, I was thinking about you today and I’m wondering how you and the kids are doing. I’d really like to set up a FaceTime session with them. Any chance we can do this sometime soon?”

I’m suggesting that you just clomp your way across those eggshells and do your best to simply be yourself. Your unflappable efforts might inspire your brother to finally relax and do the same.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

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