Nobody wants this. Not like this, not in a classic in-state rivalry that almost always delivers magical, vitriol-infused drama — except for 80% of the time, when it’s a lame, ugly blowout.
The Spartans certainly don’t want this — coach-less, listless and winless for the past month. Michigan is favored by 24.5 points Saturday night in the Place Formerly Known as the Woodshed, and according to ESPN’s FPI advanced metrics, the Spartans’ best scenario for victory involves an asteroid hitting the field during the third quarter, but only on the Michigan sideline.
All signs point to the Wolverines winning, although their coaches already knew that (allegedly!). As you might have heard Thursday, UM acknowledged it’s the target of yet another NCAA investigation, this one involving the stealing of opposing teams’ signals. I’m convinced Jim Harbaugh subsists solely on the pungent fumes of controversy. Perhaps the school should build an NCAA wing at Schembechler Hall to accommodate frequent visitors.
I have no idea where this is headed, but I guess we should follow the detour signs. I don’t plan to make light of it, so insert your own jokes about Big Ten teams’ signs being so simplistic that middle-school kids regularly decipher them. You also can guess all the clever signs in Spartan Stadium, or the amount of dollar signs waved at Urban Meyer. But nobody wants this type of incendiary distraction in a rivalry that already gets overheated for the dumbest possible reasons.
The Wolverines certainly don’t want it, stuck in the classic no-win, no-lose, no-look situation. If they somehow prevail over the Spartans, it’ll be dismissed as further gluttony of pastry products. If they somehow don’t prevail, it will be considered the worst loss in the history of intercollegiate athletics. It also would be followed 15 minutes later by the introduction of Harlon Barnett as MSU’s permanent head coach.
Hmm, Michigan wouldn’t opt for that long-view strategy, would it? I mean, if enough MSU fans camp out in Meyer’s front yard, and enough booster billionaires double-down on the worst investments of their careers, who knows, maybe the school could entice Meyer to drive to East Lansing, grab lunch at Big John Steak and Onion, meet MSU officials who aren’t Trustees, and consider the job for longer than five minutes.
But I kinda doubt it. Harbaugh has too much at stake with his 7-0 team to give Barnett a boost. The Wolverines are favored by some to win the national title, despite not having beaten anybody in nearly a year, going all the way back to Ohio State (if Ohio State still counts as anybody). That’s an even longer drought than the Spartans (2-4), who haven’t beaten anybody in merely a month.
When these siblings scrap, you always toss out the record books, roll out the barrels and clear out the tunnels. You’ll recall the unfortunate incident last year after the Wolverines’ narrow 29-7 victory, when two UM players who desperately needed to use the bathroom rushed up the tunnel while MSU players were milling about. The ensuing 70-on-2 scrap resulted in suspensions, criminal charges, and a frame-by-frame analysis of a video that showed MSU players committing numerous personal fouls.
It also led to much-needed changes. Michigan Stadium’s tunnel was publicly chastised and ordered to open wider. According to my imaginary sources, MSU promised to provide police escorts through its tunnel for all visiting teams, except perhaps one.
We don’t need stuff like this tainting one of the best rivalries in the entire lower peninsula. Just look at how the Lions have lifted fans’ spirits, sparking Blue-Wave takeovers in opposing stadiums. I hear MSU fans are dumping tickets for six-packs of Busch Light, but Michigan fans are nervous to have their drivers take them to East Lansing. I suggest the Lions send their Blue crew as a warmup for Sunday’s game in Baltimore, where the Ravens are coached by John Harbaugh, who always looks out for his little brother.
MSU officials are being proactive to ensure a peaceful setting. With kickoff set for 7:30 p.m., alcohol sales will be limited to two kegs per customer, per quarter, cut off promptly at 2:45 a.m. Both schools also agreed UM is required to bring the Paul Bunyan Trophy, whether it’s a pain to lug around or not.
In fact, the last time the Wolverines lost to a Big Ten opponent — 19 games ago — they had to leave Paul behind, part of a shrewd strategy. The Spartans won that contest, 37-33, then rewarded their coach with a ginormous contract. I don’t need to rehash the details, but MSU is 10-13 since that fateful October day in 2021, and the subsequent #TuckUp.
Two concurrent trends mark the strange, storied UM-MSU series. When the Spartans are good, they beat the Wolverines mercilessly, winning 10 of the past 15. And when they don’t, they torture them ruthlessly, scooping up bobbled snaps, adding random seconds to clocks and courting replay officials with free libations.
When the Wolverines are good and MSU is teetering, UM historically delivers the knockout. George Perles’ final season in 1994 featured a 40-20 loss to UM. Bobby Williams took a 49-3 hammering in 2002. John LLLL Smith scooted out of town in 2006 after a 31-13 loss to UM. Mark De-an-toni’o’s parting gift in 2019 was a 44-10 squeaker.
Spartan fans still reminisce about the glory years of 2007-19, when De-an-toni’o was 8-5 against UM. Wolverine fans still reminisce about the glory years of 1898-1933, when they were 23-2-3 against MSU, including a hotly-contested 119-0 clash in 1902. Of course, that led to the ouster of MSU coach George “The Original George” Denham.
So, why could it be different this year? The Spartans have lost four straight since #TuckUp’s departure, but actually took leads into the fourth quarter at Iowa and Rutgers before the circus music started. The Spartans’ other hope comes with a familiar snarl. De-an-toni’o is back on the sideline and expected to bring out his Paul Bunyan voodoo doll.
Additionally, MSU reportedly will unveil all-black uniforms. Out of respect, fans are asked to dress the same way. The game will be on NBC, although it’d be more appropriate on Peacock, the streaming service with an average viewership of 153 people. No one wants this, and no one needs to see it.
The picks
▶ Michigan at Michigan State: Don’t look now, but J.J. McCarthy is sneaking into the Heisman talk, just as incumbent Caleb Williams is sneaking out. McCarthy’s supporters note he’s second in the nation in passing efficiency. Detractors note he essentially plays Bowling Green every week and threw three interceptions against the real Bowling Green. This week’s opponent is no Bowling Green, but the Wolverines had better be careful. They always claim to take the rivalry seriously, right up until they skip into the stadium wearing flip-flops and start trouble-with-the-snapping all over the place. One sign is clear — the Spartans won’t go down without a fight (non-tunnel version). Pick: Michigan, 38-10
▶ Penn State at Ohio State: The first of the Big Ten’s only three legitimate big games, and you can hear James Franklin’s entrails quivering from here. The Nittany Lions model themselves after Michigan, right down to the cushy schedule. They’ve lost 10 of their past 11 to the Buckeyes but have the nation’s top defense and hotshot young quarterback Drew Allar. He played high school football in Ohio and was named Mr. Ohio, and if you go through life as Mr. Ohio, you definitely can’t go home and beat Ohio. Pick: Ohio State, 24-13
▶ Minnesota at Iowa: The Gophers are on a desperate mission to save the Big Ten some dignity. They must, at all costs, stop the 6-1 Hawkeyes’ wobbly stumble to the championship game. The winner here gets the famed Floyd of Rosedale Trophy, a bronze pig befitting this slopfest. It’s up to the Gophers to slap some lipstick on that pig. Pick: Iowa, 13-11
Twitter/X: @bobwojnowski
Sarah Wilson is your guide to the latest trends, viral sensations, and internet phenomena. With a finger on the pulse of digital culture, she explores what’s trending across social media and pop culture, keeping readers in the know about the latest online sensations.
