Apparently I’m “playing favorites” with my stepkids. Yeah right.

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Dear Prudence, 

My partner and I blended families one and a half years ago. Over this time we have had significant issues with parenting styles that we are actively working through, among other issues.

About two weeks ago, he became visibly agitated and said it was “showing favoritism” when I informed him that I was taking my daughter (birth child) on a quick store run with me. I even told him that I just wanted to talk with her and make sure she was doing OK without everyone being around. I do not have downtime often with my two birth children since we have all moved in together. I feel that alone time is fine occasionally and I always include his two children. I am stressed and feeling resentful over this. But I’m afraid to bring it up again with him because I know it will start an argument. The strain of all our problems, and now this, has me seriously considering leaving him. Am I wrong for just wanting downtime with my own kids?

—Feeling Resentful

Dear Feeling Resentful,

I don’t know that you need to leave him over this (although if that’s what your gut is telling you to do because this conflict is just one example of other issues that you haven’t detailed here, definitely listen to yourself) but you should risk a disagreement and talk to him about it.

In this talk (which you probably should have had before moving in together, but you know that) you can try to understand what’s behind his favoritism. Hopefully, it’s not that he believes now that you live together, you as the woman are the one who will take on the parenting role for all of the kids. Maybe he’s really worried about his children getting hurt or feeling excluded. Maybe this is part of a larger concern about their specific personalities and experiences with jealousy and sensitivity. Maybe he was ignored by a stepparent growing up and this whole dynamic is bringing up a lot for him.

Whatever it is, the goal should be for the two of you to make an agreement that ensures fairness and attention for all the kids while leaving room for the reality that you’ll each have different relationships with the ones you’ve known since the day they were born. Perhaps everyone gets the same allowance, the same amount of money spent on their birthday, the same chores, the same screen time limitation, and the same bedtime, just to create a foundation of equality. With that in place, your partner might feel more comfortable agreeing to let the individual relationships between parents and children evolve organically. If he can’t, that’s a problem. As you negotiate this and decide how to move forward, remember that while your relationship with him has the potential to work out, your relationship with your kids is forever. Put them first.

Classic Prudie

My first marriage ended 20 years ago. I knew my husband was sleeping with someone else, but I never found out who. “Helen,” my friend and neighbor, made me coffee and held my hand when I broke down. She even helped me while she was pregnant, and I often referred to her sons as my “other nephews.” Recently I learned her younger son did an ancestry test and learned that Helen’s husband wasn’t his father and that he was first cousins with people still living in my former town.