How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I (27F) caught my boyfriend in a lie and what ensured were a series of weeks-long big blowout fights.
It wasn’t cheating or related to our sex life together—and ultimately, we’ve decided to weather through and remain together. But the problem still lingers, and now several weeks later, I’m not really feeling up to having sex with him again. I thought I’d start feeling back to normal by now but the desire is just….. not there. There’s still a lot of love, but feeling betrayed, etc. seems to really be tampering with my sex drive. How do people get past this sort of thing?
—Feeling Lost
Dear Feeling Lost,
The fact that the problem still lingers seems pretty significant. Has your boyfriend done anything to change whatever led to this lie? Has he taken any possible action to repair the situation? Has there been any resolution, really? Or is it that you’re both tired of fighting so time is passing without really moving on?
How much betrayal can you handle? And how much of a foundation of trust and time did the two of you have before this happened? Between your betrayal limit and whatever level of foundation your relationship had at the time, it might not be possible to get past this. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether it’s worth continuing to try.
It might help to try to remember the things you find attractive about your boyfriend. Think about what you respect about him. Focus on the parts of your relationship that motivate you to stay and try to work things out. Maybe even make a list. A few weeks isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, so if you want to make this work, give it more time.
—Stoya
More Advice From Slate
I read your recent column about a guy with a micropenis and would love some advice for the other end of the spectrum: I’m a woman who had cancer 11 years ago that left me with vaginal stenosis. I’m 49 and I’ve been single for four years, so the stenosis is pretty bad (if you have regular sex, it’s often not a huge issue). If I meet someone, it would likely be a long time before we could have vaginal sex.
Rachel Carter is a health and wellness expert dedicated to helping readers lead healthier lives. With a background in nutrition, she offers evidence-based advice on fitness, nutrition, and mental well-being.
