Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-husband has a vocal and admitted preference for one of our twins over the other, which disturbs me, and sparked our divorce when the boys were small. I did my best to keep things fair between the kids throughout childhood.
Many twins have problems with jealousy and conflict but they definitely have a harder time than average. Their dad kind of fell apart after the divorce and has been in and out of their lives. Now that the boys are getting ready to apply for college this fall, he popped back up to announce that he and his wealthy late mother set up a huge college fund for one son only. His mom’s will stipulates that my ex is in charge of disbursing the account.
I have verified that this is the case, and it seems like it’s actually true. His preferred child will still need to take on debt for college costs but not a lot of it. If he gets even a moderate scholarship, it’s possible his undergraduate education will be free at even some more expensive schools. My other son, who has similar interests, similar grades, and a similar overall academic profile, is in a different position. Even if I put the entire college savings I have for both boys into my second son’s education only, he’s looking at state schools and big loans. This is an inequity I don’t have any power to fix, and I have no idea what to do. The kids don’t know yet, and my ex is enjoying twisting the knife. This is not something I can compel him to fix in court or try to convince him to do better. It’s just wildly unfair and unfixable. How do I handle this news with my kids?
—Balancing Act Mom
Dear Balancing,
Your ex really sounds like a piece of work. His mother isn’t coming off any better. I know you said you can’t fight this in court. I just want to point out that a will can be contested if you can prove that someone—in this case, your husband—exerted undue influence over the testator (the person who wrote the will). It’s a long shot, but it might be worth contacting an estate attorney to see if you have any kind of standing, either from this angle or another. I’d also try to determine whether any of your own family members plan to contribute to the boys’ education or leave funds to them in their own wills. You might be able to apply those resources, even if they aren’t as substantial as your former mother-in-law’s, to lessen the gap between your kids. For instance, maybe your parents’ assets could be earmarked for the twins’ college debt, with the “less favored” brother prioritized.
In terms of sharing this news with your kids, I don’t know that you can do much except be brutally, but kindly, honest. I assume your father’s preference is well-known by them? I would start by having a private conversation with the son who is getting less money. Let him process the news without his brother’s scrutiny and guilt. From there, tell him what he can expect from you and the family, if anything. Ask him how he would like you to inform his brother. He might want this to be kept a secret from his twin—I’m not sure this kind of secret will keep long-term, but think through the options with him. And strongly consider a therapy consultation. It’s one thing to know your dad doesn’t like you, but it’s another thing to be faced with quantitative, cruel proof.
A few other things to consider: If the favored son does find out—from you, from his dad, however—what will you do if he insists on sharing the money? Will you allow him, and will he logistically be able to do so? (Again, that latter question is something to ask an estate attorney. If your ex is the disburser of the account, your son might not be able to do much.) If the favored son limits his school options in solidarity with his brother, will you support him? If the boys want to cut their dad out of their lives, how will you react? Do a gut check on these and any other possibilities you can think of so that you can be calm and collected in the moment.
And then, later that night, scream profanities into a pillow at the man who put you in this brutal situation. I wish you luck.
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I’m in my late 20s. Friends and acquaintances of mine have recently started to have kids. I am a former teacher and preschool teaching assistant, and while I chose to leave education as a profession, I still adore kids and am naturally talented at working with them. Unfortunately, I really, really don’t care for babies. I don’t intend to have children of my own but once a friend has a baby, it’s hard for me to know how to support them and this new little person.
Dr. Sarah Adams is a scientist and science communicator who makes complex topics accessible to all. Her articles explore breakthroughs in various scientific disciplines, from space exploration to cutting-edge research.
