I’m surrounded by drunk grandmas, and I don’t know what to do.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

In my family and several of my friends’ families, there is a Drunk Grandma problem. The grandmas are sweet or stoic or whatever their normal personalities are, and then they start to drink—along with everyone else—but drink far more. Then the lid comes off and they’re interacting with the grandkids in unkind ways. The grandkids think of Grandma as mean, and pull away even when she is sober. Any attempts to get them to be nicer to the kids are met with blaming “lax parenting,” but no mention of alcohol is made because Grandma won’t hear of it.
I don’t have kids and am growing increasingly distressed at hearing my friends and family complain about their inability to set boundaries. Everyone seems resigned that exposing the kids to a very drunk and sometimes mean grandparent every holiday and birthday is somehow okay, as long as they wring their hands about it later.

Some even blame their kids for being loud or squirrely in drawing Drunk Grandma’s ire. I know dealing with alcohol abuse is tough and even tougher when you love someone who doesn’t see a problem with their behavior. For busy young families, going to Al-Anon meetings is also extra challenging. Are there other methods that might help these families protect the kids better from their Drunk Grandmas?

—Tired of Drunk Grandmas

Dear Tired,

I think you should focus your attention on the “Drunk Grandma” problem in your own family, though you can certainly commiserate with your friends about how they cope with the same issue. If you believe your grandmother is an alcoholic, you should rally your family together to talk about how to handle that. Let them know that you are disturbed by how she treats the grandchildren and that you feel action should be taken to address it. From what you’ve shared, however, it seems that they have accepted Grandma for who she is and they may be unwilling to change anything. If you want to help the children in your family have a better experience during these occasions, you may work to be a buffer between them and Grandma. When you see her interacting with the kids, usher them away for a game. Confront your grandmother directly about the way she treats them every time you witness her being unkind to them. If you do decide to have children of your own, you have the right to avoid these gatherings to spare them from her madness.

—Jamilah