I’m worried the “twice exceptional” parenting community I’ve joined has some concerning ideas.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 4-year-old son is gifted, no question about it (he already knows his multiplication tables). He may also be on the autism spectrum, have ADHD, and/or sensory difficulties (it’s so difficult to tease that apart from normal 4-year-old behavior). But my question is less about that and more about how I make sure we don’t get trapped in an information silo. In trying to learn more about my son’s giftedness and potential neuro-divergence, I’ve joined Facebook groups for “twice-exceptional” (2e) and gifted students and met with a consultant who helps connect families to resources. We’ve also moved him to a small preschool that only accepts gifted students and were planning to keep him there through 1st grade. At first this felt really helpful. Look at all these other people whose kids have issues like mine! They’ve already figured out some of the best providers/evaluators in the area!

Lately, though, I’m beginning to worry. It seems like because all these parents run in the same circles and see the same providers, there’s a real risk for pseudoscience to sneak in and take hold.

Thankfully, these people are not anti-vax (that I’ve seen), but there is so much talk of things like primitive reflexes, auditory processing disorder, school refusal (as if it’s a disorder), oppositional defiant disorder, etc. So many of them homeschool and really believe that’s the only school situation that could work for 2e students. How do I know what things are real (though maybe not well-known in, or dismissed by, the general population) vs. what has gained steam within a particular community with no reality checks? I’ve tried to do some of “my own research” online, but anything that has even a modicum of research behind it has legitimate-looking websites and vocal proponents. Help!

—Gifted and Troubled

Dear Gifted and Troubled,

Keep the focus on your individual kid and what you think he needs. That may not always be what the “average,” “typically developing” kid needs, or what one particular community of parents has decided that their kids need. As you say, behaviors you observe now may be early signs of diagnoses that would benefit from particular interventions—or they may be particular things about a little person who is still developing on their own growth curve. You have to keep watching how your kid develops, what his needs and strengths and coping mechanisms etc. are.

Four is really, really young for you to know in what environments and under what conditions your child can learn. I also think it’s too early to be making sweeping statements like “My kid can only learn in homeschool!” There’s so much variation when it comes to how schools approach and support kids who learn differently. Avoid the temptation to be rigid in your thinking, believing that once a certain label (“2E”) gets applied to your kid, there is a one-size-fits-all ideal or correct approach—to education, or to anything else.

Community has been really important to me as the parent of neurodivergent kids. But I tend to be really wary of those who seem a little too invested in the idea that there is just one “right” environment or one particular approach that will allow kids with particular needs to thrive. Remember that the loudest people in a group aren’t always correct, and that their kids aren’t yours. No one else knows your child like you do. Focus on getting to know and understand your son and how he learns to the best of your ability, and together with trusted healthcare providers, therapists, educators, etc., continue to discuss how best to meet his needs and support his healthy development.

—Nicole

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