I was in a major depression for a long time. My mental health suffered tremendously. It was so bad that I was committed to the mental hospital after a particularly rough season. My brain wasn’t functioning. I was doing and saying crazy things that I don’t remember. I needed an intervention. We were introduced to electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as shock therapy.
My family was terrified. They were initially resistant. But my sister came to the rescue with her research. She presented a clear case of why it was a good idea. Less than a month later, I lay on the hospital bed, ready to get my brain shocked. Here’s what’s changed since that fateful day.
My depression is a goner. While getting ECT, my doctor came in every few sessions to check on my status. He asked routine questions about my depression and how I was feeling. It was around session 14 when he came in for another evaluation.
“How is your depression?”
I was honest.
“I don’t feel the heaviness anymore.” It was a miracle. ECT was a success. Once I was discharged, I got a good psychiatrist and therapist to help bridge the gap.
My therapist helped me develop coping mechanisms and continue to be an active participant. My psychiatrist helped me find a combination of medication to stabilize me. After ECT, I was still listless. I wasn’t depressed, but I didn’t have a lot of energy either. It took a few months of work before I started feeling the effects.
I felt lighter and happier than I had been in a long time.
Dissociation is a thing of the past. Every person feels dissociation to a certain degree — that’s what your imagination does. Before ECT, dissociation was a regular occurrence for me. I felt stuck in a constant state of dissociation. I looked around my life, and it felt like I was living in a black-and-white movie.
Life was devoid of energy and color. Everyone else went about their day like nothing was out of place. They all knew their lines and actions. Meanwhile, I was trapped. I was a lifeless void. I was never there. I used to describe it as holding onto the world like a tether, ready to break free at any moment.
More often than not, I was disconnected from the world. After ECT, I’ve become more present. I feel connected to the world. I feel in touch with my body and my environment. My senses are alive rather than muted. It’s like I’m opening my eyes for the first time, and I see all the bright, vibrant colors the world has to offer.
I have more control over my life. Before my mental health break, I had difficulty taking action. The best I was able to do was hold a morning routine. Past that, I spent my days on Netflix and YouTube. I mindlessly browsed videos, watching them for hours at a time. That’s how I spent my time.
I couldn’t break myself out of it. It was a bad habit that felt impossible to break. I escaped into fantasy and lived vicariously through it. I knew it was wrong. I knew I should be doing something. But I felt powerless.
Through my recovery, I gained empowerment. I had to take responsibility for my life and actions. It was slow, but it happened. I gained control of my time and energy. I got a job, which helped. It was like I regained control of my executive function. I could make decisions and act accordingly.
At the height of my mental health crisis, I was convinced I wasn’t going to make it out alive. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. During the day, I fought off anxiety attacks left and right. At night, I lay in bed, unable to breathe straight. I would shake and feel like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t sleep.
As I’ve come down from the high, I continue thinking about that. I have a huge awareness (and appreciation) for my mortality. I still become obnoxiously aware of my heart beating in my chest. I don’t go a day without thinking about death in some capacity.
Mostly, I think about how, someday, I’m going to die. Instead of scaring me, it motivates me.
I don’t want to get to my deathbed and regret all the things I didn’t do. My mortality reminds me that my life is worth living. It reminds me to work on things that bring me joy because you never know how much time you have left.
I love being alive. For a long time, I dreaded my life. It was something I had to get through. I didn’t want to be alive.
Facing my mortality head-on gave me a whole new appreciation for life. As cliché as it is, every day I wake up is a gift. It means I get to continue living my life and doing the things I love. I get to wake up every day. Someone else didn’t.
For the first time in my life, I feel fulfilled. I have a support system I trust, a job I love doing, and a mission to leave this place better than I found it. I never thought I could feel this way. I feel alive in every sense of the word.
If you’re struggling with major depression, ECT might be an option for you. Some people are medication-resistant and have to resort to other measures. ECT could be your second chance to get your life back. Think of everything you stand to gain. You could say goodbye to depression and hello to a vivid, colorful life. I got a second chance at life, and so can you.
This is for purely educational purposes. This does not substitute for any kind of professional advice, and you should not rely solely on this information. If you are interested in ECT, contact your doctor or a medical professional.
Maggie Kelly is a writer, speaker, and artist. She has featured articles in Human Parts and Mind Cafe and published her first book in the fall of 2022.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.
Rachel Carter is a health and wellness expert dedicated to helping readers lead healthier lives. With a background in nutrition, she offers evidence-based advice on fitness, nutrition, and mental well-being.
