Men Share Their Dating App Red Flags & A Fundamental Difference Between The Sexes – OutKick

Hi, my name is Amber, and I’m addicted to 90 Day Fiancé.

You can scoff if you want to, but y’all I’m telling you… the drama, the people, the storylines. It is a train wreck, and I can’t look away.

The premise is simple: An American is engaged to a foreigner. Foreigner comes to the United States on a fiancé visa. By law, the couple has 90 days to marry or else the foreigner gets deported.

On the season I’m currently watching, there’s a couple named Patrick and Thais. Patrick is a salesman from Texas, and Thais is a super hot woman from Brazil.

And when I tell you she’s got him on a leash by the balls, that’s an understatement.

He has to share his location with her at all times. She doesn’t want him to go out. She doesn’t want him to hang out with his buddies. He can’t go on sales calls with female co-workers. If he leaves home, he has to FaceTime her to check in. He’s not even allowed to spend too much time with his brother, who literally lives in his house.

There’s not a chance in hell a red-blooded American male is putting up with this sh-t if the girl is not a smoke show.

So let’s talk about that.

Last week, I shared with you a list — compiled by a group of 58,000 women — detailing their online dating red flags. In other words: What is one thing on a man’s dating profile that will instantly make you swipe left or un-match?

For the whole list, click below.

But I want to expand on one in particular — the second-most popular answer out of all the women I polled: shirtless photos.

“The shirtless mirror selfie (or maybe worse, the pulling-up-my-shirt-to-show-my-abs selfie) is the dead giveaway of douchery. I don’t care if the guy is built like a renaissance statue — I want nothing to do with the level of narcissism he brings to the table.”

Me, Womansplaining

One anonymous reader was not happy about this. I won’t share the whole 17-paragraph email he sent me (because it’s pretty vitriolic), but here’s a very small snippet:

You wouldn’t do very well as a man, would you? There are so many women who use their bodies for attention. It’s all about getting a constant ego boost and being the center of attention, yeah drama.

Can you imagine a man saying, “Ooh I saw a woman’s boobs and vagina, it was disgusting” You wouldn’t believe that for a second.

And neither do we believe your, really kind of sick, put downs about men and their bodies that so many women are constantly bleating.

OK, so let’s unpack this.

I very specifically said in last week’s column that there is a fundamental difference between women and men here: If a very hot woman posts a half naked selfie on a dating app, every single man is swiping right. If a very hot man posts a shirtless mirror selfie on a dating app, women are repulsed.

No, not because we think he’s “disgusting,” as this reader put it. But because we assume things about his personality when we see gratuitous mirror selfies. We assume he’s self-absorbed, and we don’t want to deal with it — especially as we get older.

I’m married. I’m no longer in the dating game. But I can tell you, as a woman in my mid-30s, I would take a sincere man with a beer gut who treats me like a queen over a dude with a six-pack who treats me like a hole any day of the week.

And that’s not to say the two things are mutually exclusive. But I’ll quote OutKick’s Charly Arnolt, who discussed this with me on Thursday: “If a guy needs to show off his abs on a dating app, I assume he brings nothing more to the table.”

That’s all the ladies were saying. And this is where we’re different.

Do women use their bodies to get what they want from men? Absolutely. Because men respond to that. Women, generally speaking, do not.

Take that 90 Day Fiancé scenario I mentioned above. A strong, independent woman is sending a man packing if he tries to control her every move with location apps and rules that she can’t hang out with her friends. But many men (including Patrick from Texas) will ignore glaring red flags — at least for a little while — if the woman is a total babe.

So if you don’t like it, dear Anonymous Reader, don’t yell at me. Instead, I’d suggest gathering up all your male friends and making a collective pledge to stop thinking with your other head.

Reghinald Shares His Dating App Red Flags

Shoo. What a rant.

But let’s go back to the mailbag, where Reghinald is sharing dating app red flags — from a man’s perspective. Just because this is Womansplaining does not mean we’re letting women off the hook.

Don’t mind me chiming in, though.

I must admit that I’ve haven’t been on a dating app (or date, judge me) since maybe autumn 2021, but here’s what I recall. I am doing my best here to not replicate any of the seven categories you mentioned, as some are true for men, too. 

1. Profiles that only state they’re swiping right only because of the dog, cat, and/or boat in the photo. 

2. Listing pronouns (I am a straight male [born one] looking for a straight woman [born one, too])

Pronouns in bio are the ultimate virtue signal. You know that person voted for Joe Biden and probably gets triggered if you open the door for her. Immediate NO.

3. Every photo is caked up with the makeup. (I don’t expect a woman to be in makeup 100% of the time.)

This is funny because there’s a viral video on TikTok right now of a woman who wants to end the use of filters. A noble cause, until you see what this woman looks like.

A f-ck ton of makeup, a spray tan, bleached blonde hair, thousands of dollars in face and lip fillers… Babe, you ARE a filter.

4.  Openly soliciting their OnlyFans. (Hard pass 100% of the time.)

I’ve heard this one a lot from my male friends. Not just OnlyFans, but Instagram and TikTok as well. A lot of women use dating apps just to find suckers to add to their social following.

5. “Swipe left, if you voted for Trump.” Seems like women on dating apps don’t like men who lean conservative. (Fun fact: I’m conservative, and I’m not white, the equivalent of a death sentence in the dating world…)

6. The obligatory beach/bikini picture and/or sitting on the bathroom sink with the duck face (not sure if it is because I’m from Blue England [New England for the rest of the world]. 

The sitting-on-the-bathroom-sink duck face photo is the cringiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I truly don’t understand why some men entertain this nonsense.

Reminds me of this. We’ll call it “OnlyPans.”

7. Noting her zodiac sign or advising that a certain sign won’t work? (Seriously, is someone’s birthday really that much of a dealbreaker? You cannot control when you came out of your mother’s womb?!)

I cannot stand people who use their zodiac sign as an excuse for bad behavior. “Oh, sorry I was a total b-tch yesterday. The moon was in waxxing gibbous and I’m a virgo.”

Get all the way out of here with that.

8. “I’m not on here often,” or “I have (insert a high number) matches.” (I obviously expected that.)

If there were an Email Hall of Fame, Reghinald would be in it. I really think he nailed the red flags here.

Agree? Disagree? Send your thoughts or my horoscope to [email protected].

Joe Says Leave Your Kids Out Of This

A mom that puts her younger kids in her photos is an instant killer on dating apps. You’re not meeting my kids unless the relationship is far, far, beyond the dating app stage. I presume when men do it, they are usually trying to “soften” themselves, but men are stupid. If you’re a mom that puts elementary/ JR high kids in their pics, there is a big ass orange flag. 

Why are you trying to tempt men with that kind of pic? What does that tell me about your personality, other than kids love moms? Do all of you that do this have daddy issues?

Dating apps are a wreck that drive you into bad mental places, so I think a lot of us divorced folk have strong opinions, but I let it take over my minimal proofreading skills.

Amber:

I don’t know about the daddy issues thing. But I agree with you about the kid pictures, and I think it’s a red flag for both genders.

I don’t have children, but if I did, I would not be introducing them to some random guy on a dating app — at least not for quite a long time. And why would you want your child’s face all over Tinder anyway?! Too many creeps out there.

…And Your Little Dog, too — David from Illinois

Hi Amber. I’m not too surprised by the items on the list, but I am surprised one item wasn’t included: Guys who pose with their dogs. 

Something about that screams insecure to me… like he needs the dog to get him over the goal line. 

When I was growing up, my twin sister had a subscription to Cosmo. Every month, I managed to read it cover to cover to try to gain insight into what they had to say about men.

One month, there was a two page spread with a collage of pictures with captions, and the only one I remember to this day is this one…

The caption read, “Don’t you wish you could find a man who would smile at you like this?”

I know, yuck to the 80’s hair, and I’m sure not everyone is into Andrew McCarthy, but the message I learned was that sometimes a simple smile and a chill demeanor is all you need. 

Along with the game to back it up, but that’s a whole other story… lol!

Amber:

I think many men use dogs as a conversation starter. So not necessarily to get over the goal line, but rather just to get them in the game in the first place.

And, in my opinion, it’s not the worst idea ever. But I’m also a dog lover.

Hilarious that you used to sneak your sister’s Cosmopolitan. I like to think Womansplaining can be a modern-day, digital version. Or, as my colleague Glenn Gilbeau describes it, Carrie Bradshaw’s column from Sex and the City.

My friends and I used to love Cosmo as teenagers. I remember once when I was 15 or so, I had a sleepover with a bunch of friends. We accidentally left our magazine in the living room, and that particular issue had a whole spread about oral sex. My dad — upon waking the next morning and finding it — was very concerned. I had to explain to him that I wasn’t actually doing any of the things they described in the magazine (which was true), but that my friends and I just thought it was fun to read (also true). Anyway, that was embarrassing.

Him finding a picture of Andrew McCarthy would have been significantly less awkward.

‘Another Mike’ Found Love Online

Your best yet! Met my wife on Match over 16 years ago, love her forever! And yes, I also get the pleasure of bailing her out of her predicaments, HA!

Amber:

Last week I shared that my husband Mike and I met on a dating app (Hinge). I love hearing other online dating success stories. Congrats to Another Mike and his lovely Mrs. for 16 years and counting!

Rapid Fire Of Internet Stuff I Liked:

Turn the sound on for the full effect.

I don’t care what your wife or girlfriend says, she likes when you look at her with googly eyes. If my husband ever STOPS having this reaction when I get naked, then we’ll have problems.

Textbook response.

This next one: I have never seen such a relatable video in my life. I expertly load the dishwasher like a meticulous Tetris champion, and my husband carelessly loads it like an escaped mental patient.

Most of the comments on this video were women saying, “I rearrange the dishwasher after my husband loads it.” And ladies… same.

OK, now I’m thinking about this, too.

A Valentine’s Day date idea, perhaps?

Speaking of Valentine’s Day…

It’s the Final Countdown

(…da na nuh nuh… da da nuh nuh nuh!)

OK, but for real. You have less than three weeks until Valentine’s Day, fellas, so make those plans! Get a dinner reservation, book a couple’s massage, plan to cook her a romantic dinner at home, grab a nice card at CVS… Whatever it is, just do it.

Also, ask her to be your Valentine.

I love this guy. He admits he thinks it’s pointless to ask his long-term partner to be his Valentine. Because it should be obvious, right?

Wrong. Women love two things: Validation and effort. Everything doesn’t need to be a big production, but bringing home some flowers and asking a silly question like, Will you be my Valentine?

“I still think it doesn’t make sense,” he says. “But it didn’t kill me.”

It didn’t kill him. It made her happy. Then she made him happy.

I could go on forever about this (and maybe I will in a future column), but relationships boil down to the simplest f-cking concept: Women are emotional, and men are physical. Fulfill her needs emotionally, and she will fulfill your needs physically. Abandon her emotionally, act like her needs are silly, and — well — enjoy your solo bathroom time.

Next Week: Weddings

My one-year wedding anniversary (Feb. 3) is coming up soon! So to celebrate, we’re doing a full wedding edition of Womansplaining: everything from the proposal to the planning to the big day. And yes, I’ll be diving into how you can contribute even though she’s the one calling all the shots.

Here’s what I’m looking for:

• your proposal stories
• how you fit into the wedding planning
• your favorite thing about your wedding or one you recently attended
• your least favorite thing about your wedding or one you recently attended (and remember I’m happy to keep you anonymous)

You know what to do: Email me at [email protected].

Now go and make your Valentine’s Day plans.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Fridays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to [email protected] or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.