How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I (28 M) met my partner through work. We work in a field where we spend a lot of solo time together, so we started hooking up casually, sometimes while on lunch. But then it got serious and now there’s some stuff he’s no longer comfortable with.
I like to be called names, which he did. But now that there are feelings he calls me sugar and babe, which is cute but it’s not the same. I talked to him about it and he said it doesn’t feel right to call his boyfriend names.
He’s also not as interested in fooling around on lunch breaks because we can just do it at one of our apartments, with no risk of losing our jobs if someone turned up. However, I looked forward to the thrill of it especially since the chance of someone turning up is close to zero. Is there a way to help him get more comfortable with these things or is this just what long-term relationships are like? It’s early (around the one-year mark) but I could tentatively see spending the rest of my life with him. So it’s not a dealbreaker, but I’d sure like to drive down some forest road and get a little degraded again.
—Talk Dirty At Me
Dear Talk Dirty,
There’s a blurry zone between asking for what we want, and twisting someone’s arm into it, and it’s best to stay firmly on the ethical end of that spectrum. Spend some time with yourself considering what you’re missing. Make a list. It sounds like risk and degradation are the main points. Think of some options for how to hit those buttons in ways that don’t jeopardize your jobs, or otherwise put your lives and stability at risk.
When you’re ready, ask your partner how he feels about sex within relationships. Ask him how he feels about the sex the two of you had when you first started dating—it could be that he was uncomfortable the whole time, or it could be that he has a bit of a Madonna-Whore dichotomy going on. You won’t know what you’re working with until you have the conversation. Share your desires with your partner and ask whether he’s willing to look for ways in which you can have those desires met without breaching his boundaries. He might need to understand what you get out of being degraded. He might be open to you having flings or other relationships with people who are comfortable giving that to you. He might be into the idea of going to sex clubs where you can get the thrill of potential discovery. Maybe he’ll be into that specific scenario you pose of driving down a forest road but only outside of office hours.
You may also need to consider how important these specific facets of sex are to you. Some people can compromise on sex to a significant degree, and others can’t while maintaining their happiness. Be clear with your partner about how much of it you can leave behind as a fond memory.
—Jessica Stoya
More Advice From Slate
I recently moved in with a guy friend of mine, and so far it’s gone pretty well. He’s clean, quiet, considerate, and we get along great. However, since I’ve known him, I’ve known he’s a naturist (or nudist, I’m not sure of the difference). I’m a very modest woman and have always been uncomfortable with nudity both my own and that of others.
Dr. Sarah Adams is a scientist and science communicator who makes complex topics accessible to all. Her articles explore breakthroughs in various scientific disciplines, from space exploration to cutting-edge research.
