My daughter claims she loves me more than her dad. I know the reason why.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My partner (32M) and I (26F) have a 5-year-old daughter together. Recently, she has started to occasionally say things about her dad when it’s just us two together. She’s been saying things like: “Sometimes I just don’t like some people…like dad,” “I only love one person a day. Today it’s you and not dad,” or “I just love you so much I can’t love dad.” I always try to gently coax more information out of her about how she’s feeling, and I never shame nor get mad at her. It seems to me that she’s wrestling internally with two opposing feelings she has about her father.

I don’t suspect he is physically or emotionally harming her whatsoever. Instead, I think that our daughter probably feels this way because he lets her (and me) down quite a bit. He isn’t very reliable or responsible and he can be extremely selfish sometimes. He’s also almost always preoccupied with a screen, and when he isn’t, he’s absorbed in whatever task he’s doing and unable to divert his attention for even a moment. I truly believe this is the source of our daughter’s frustrations. However, she hasn’t been able to articulate the reason she feels this way towards her father, she only says, “I don’t know.”

I have broached this subject with my partner on a few different occasions, trying to inform him as gently, but honestly, as possible. However, I don’t know if he fully understood because he still acts the same way. I know he loves our daughter more than anything, and I truly believe he can and would change for her. So how can I convey to him how important it is that he changes? Should I be blunter, but still mindful of his feelings? What could I say that would make him start being (or at least try to be) the father that our daughter needs? Should I even intervene at all? Or is there another way I could try to handle this? I just want our daughter to be able to feel that she loves us equally because we both have given her equal reasons to. I just want what’s best for her.

—Mixed-Up Mama

Dear Mixed-Up,

I suspect that the reason you aren’t getting a lot of specific information from your daughter is that abstract, open-ended questions are really hard for a 5-year-old to grasp. Similarly, I imagine that your gentle feedback hasn’t made much of an impact on your husband because vague “be better” guidance is difficult to act on. Especially if that feedback can be written off as the idiosyncratic comments of a young child.

I am a big fan of parenting evaluations from my kids. Asking for direct feedback on my “performance” as a mom has been so helpful in confirming areas where I need to do better and reassuring me that some of my transgressions aren’t as big as I might have made them in my head. I don’t do this on any kind of schedule in any formal way, but I try to have a short, focused conversation a couple of times a year. Outside of that, I’ve done my best to establish the kind of parent-child relationship where I ask for feedback and input a lot, as the article linked above suggests. It levels the playing field without sacrificing any kind of authority, and it models a positive relationship with feedback, which I hope my boys will take into their school and workplaces as they grow.

Your daughter is still a little young for robust conversations of this kind, but I do think there are ways you can start dipping your toes in. Maybe make a list of behaviors you and your husband do, and ask your daughter to give thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs neutral to each one—or you can use a version of the FACES Pain Rating Scale. Getting some simple quantitative data might help you confirm how your child feels about her dad and why, and it could also be more persuasive to your partner.

That said, 5-year-olds are fickle and can have favorite caretakers—and they aren’t afraid of making their feelings known. I think it’s important to reflect on what you’re seeing and hearing from your daughter, because I suspect that what is going on isn’t that she doesn’t love her dad, but rather that she’s experiencing a strong preference for you. Those are very different things but don’t appear that different to a young child, so the vocabulary gets muddled. This article provides some great perspectives that can help you hone in on what your daughter is trying to express. If you conclude that your issue is really that she likes you better, the article also provides some ideas for how you can encourage your husband to even those feelings out a bit.

Final thought: Regardless of how your daughter feels about your husband’s behavior, it sounds like you at least have a few concerns. It might be worth thinking about whether your daughter’s remarks are ultimately confirming your own state of mind. In that case, you may do well to own your feelings and seek some marriage counseling to get on the same page. Good luck!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My neighbor is sort of a strange guy. He (50sM) took a liking to me (28F) months ago and has been very nice to me ever since, but he’s kind of…weird-nice. For example, I’ll be walking down the street and he’ll drive up next to me and just hand me cookies or a plant. He wears a “Veteran” hat, and he seems harmless but maybe a little off.

The issue is, he keeps getting dogs he can’t take care of. He’ll get a puppy, keep it for a few months, and then I’ll walk by his place one day and he’ll tell me he gave the dog away because it pooped on the floor. He doesn’t train them. It’s cruel. He just got a new puppy, Max (his third in about a year and a half), and I want to tell him that if it doesn’t work out with this dog, I’ll adopt Max. But I don’t know the etiquette surrounding that—I don’t want to offend him, but I don’t want him to keep abandoning pets, either. What, if anything, should I say? He’s a strange guy, so I don’t know how he’ll react.

—Barking Sad

Dear Barking,

This is probably one of those “not my circus, not my monkeys” situations where, despite having some valid concerns, you don’t have much standing to address them. But I can throw you a couple of ideas. Regarding Max, the next time you run into the two of them, I would make a fuss over the dog. Tell your neighbor you’ve been considering adopting a dog and if you did, you’d want one just like Max. Ask where your neighbor got him, and offer to be a pet sitter anytime the neighbor goes out of town or needs a break, etc. This can indicate your interest in Max so that perhaps, if he does decide to relinquish the dog, he’ll think of you first.

I’d also suggest calling a reputable shelter in the area and asking them for advice. Explain your concerns about the neighbor’s pattern and see if there is anything they can suggest to help interrupt this cycle. There might be a way shelters communicate with each other to keep dogs out of the wrong hands (if he is in fact adopting the dogs). Just tread lightly and be respectful if you take this route; you wouldn’t want to inadvertently jeopardize Max’s placement if it turns out that your neighbor was finally on the road toward a successful adoption.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have a 5-year-old daughter. We spend a lot of time with his large family—we even built our home next to his parents. I adore his mom and dad, and our daughter sees them every day. They have the sweetest relationship. Our problem is my husband’s sister. She is older than us, divorced and estranged from her child, and has a lot of trouble keeping a job because she tends to pick fights and act unprofessionally. Because of all of this, she spends a huge amount of time at her parents’ house and relies on them heavily for help with various things. She is very abrasive and loves confrontation, and when I entered the family had already created a rift between her other siblings’ spouses and herself—to the point where they distanced themselves from his parents in the process of avoiding her.

She adores my daughter, and my daughter calls her aunt her best friend (in my opinion, because she’s free of responsibilities and often does whatever my child wants, whenever she wants). Because of this, we’ve always kept a rather civil relationship. A couple of months ago, things really came to a head between us when my sister-in-law asked my husband to help her on a day that we had plans as a family. She completely lost it when he didn’t drop everything to help her and came to our home, yelling awful things at me about my appearance, job, parenting—you name it—in front of my child. My husband immediately put a stop to it, and we haven’t had any interaction with her in two months. My in-laws are beside themselves, worrying that we will distance ourselves now as well and they’ll lose the close relationship they have with our daughter—something they’ve missed out on with their older grandkids. I don’t want that either, but they refuse to acknowledge her as the problem, and I am uncomfortable with my daughter spending as much time there knowing that my SIL can and will come over daily. I am also struggling with my daughter asking so many questions that I don’t know how to answer—why did she say mean things to you? Why can’t I play with her? Why are you taking away my best friend? I’m lost, my husband is supportive but caught in the middle, and I just really need some outside perspective.

—Stressed Sister-in-Law

Dear Stressed,

This sounds really hard for everyone. One thing to keep in mind is that this is a problem that might lessen as your daughter grows up and has more playdates and afterschool activities keeping her occupied elsewhere. So, consider whether you need to make specific changes now, or whether this is a situation where you can take more of a wait-and-see-where-life-goes approach.

Ultimately, you and your husband have to decide how much you are willing to put up with, and draw some clear boundaries that are transparent to his parents. They already know your sister-in-law has cost them time with other family members. Your husband might need to insist that his sister be held more accountable for her behavior. Perhaps she can be asked to leave if she ever displays that same kind of hostility in front of your daughter. Meanwhile, if your in-laws are concerned about a rift forming between their granddaughter and themselves, give them opportunities to spend time together that cannot be interrupted by your SIL. They can go to the park or library frequently, or take mini-adventures together. Then, it doesn’t matter if SIL comes over to the house—they aren’t there. You can also have them over to your house, and not allow SIL to join when she’s had one of these outbursts.

At least so far, your SIL isn’t taking any of her bad behavior out on your daughter. That could change, given her volatility, but it’s a point in her favor as you consider your daughter’s desire to see her aunt. If you do decide to limit contact now or in the future, you can be somewhat transparent with your daughter. Tell her the same thing you’d tell her about a classmate: “We do not hang out with people who are mean to us.” You don’t want your daughter to grow up thinking she is allowed to be rude, or thinking that she is required to accept it from others.

I do want to caveat this advice with a note that it’s possible your sister has an undiagnosed mental health issue that is causing, or at least adding to, her behavior. I believe in holding people accountable for their actions, but drawing those lines gets complicated where untreated mental health is concerned. If you have this suspicion, you might consider seeking the advice of a psychologist or social worker who can help you find the ethical nuances of dealing with your SIL.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 14-year-old stepson, “Alan,” who is a bright boy. One of the few but serious disagreements I have with my wife is over parenting him about his intellectual gifts. She’s very much a high-intensity, high-pressure, push-him-to-succeed type of parent, while I take a more laid-back approach. What’s put this into a crisis, though, is my mother-in-law. She’s 86 and unfortunately in serious decline. We’re a pretty tight-knit family, so my wife, some of the in-laws, and I have been stepping up to do what we can to help her out. Alan, however, is extremely resistant to doing anything to help his grandmother.

Ordinarily, I would attribute this to teenage self-centeredness or simple laziness. But when he pushes back against helping set up electronics or reminding his grandmother of doctors’ appointments, he’ll use my wife’s exact words. Phrases like, “She’d be able to remember if she thought it was important enough to focus on” are exactly what my wife says to him with an appropriate pronoun change. Like I said earlier, I don’t really approve of the way my wife pushes him, but since I’m the step, I’ve taken a backseat when she insisted on raising him this way. But I do feel we are rapidly approaching a crisis point, and you can practically feel the resentment he has towards my wife’s entire side of the family whenever Grandma comes up. She doesn’t deserve it, but at the same time, I don’t think he deserves the pressure she puts him under. How do I best navigate this?

— Pressure Cooker

Dear Pressure,

My guess is that your initial gut feeling is right, and your stepson just doesn’t want to help. But I wonder if you sat down with Alan one-on-one and asked him about his phrasing, whether he’d open up to you? In that situation, your position as a “step” might make you easier to talk to. The chat might go something like this: “Alan, the other day I heard you say that Grandma would remember to take her pills if she would just focus more. Do you really believe this is a case of Grandma simply needing to try harder? I notice that’s the same language your mom sometimes uses about your homework, and from where I’m sitting, you seem pretty resistant to that argument whenever she makes it.” And continue from there. In effect, you might be able to use Grandma as an opening to see how he’s feeling about your wife’s vibe.

You can then have a conversation with your wife about what you’ve observed, what Alan said directly to you, and what your concerns are. I understand that as a stepparent, you want to support your spouse and not undermine her parenting—that’s really important. But you are also her partner, and sometimes partners observe things that we are not aware of ourselves. Partnership shouldn’t be mistaken for being in lockstep with each other; true partnership means encouraging each other’s growth while watching each other’s blind spots. Open the conversation in that spirit: “This is what I noticed, this is what I wonder about Alan, what do you think?”

The throughline of all this advice is asking questions rather than offering suggestions. I think that’s one of the best ways we can support our family members, especially when they might feel on the defensive. Good luck!

—Allison

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