My friend just lied about his health status to fly—which is exactly how I got my life-changing illness.

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Dear Prudence,

I have been struggling with Long COVID for the past year. I’ve been privileged to have access to great treatment. My friends and family have been less-than-supportive, but I’ve been dealing with that in therapy. This week, one of my closest friends caught COVID at the tail-end of an overseas trip. He made the decision to fly home on a 12-hour flight while sick and symptomatic, hiding it from the airline so he could get on the plane. I am horrified by this decision. My life has been turned upside-down by this disease, I can no longer do many of the things I enjoy, and this has been a huge strain on my family and our finances. All because, one year ago, I was infected with COVID by someone who (it later came out) was lying about their infection status at the time.

I understand the fear and extra expense of being stuck outside of your home country to recover first hand, as a few years ago I had an unexpected injury abroad and had to wait to fly home. However, I firmly believe that’s what trip insurance is for, and the benefits of quarantining in this case significantly outweighs the personal stress. I cannot reconcile his choice to expose others to this disease with our decade-long friendship. Is there a way I can move past this and continue our relationship?

—Sick and Struggling

Dear Struggling,

There’s no getting around the fact that your friend could have been sitting next to an elderly person or a person with a compromised immune system and gotten them sick, and that if he’d done the responsible thing and delayed his travel, they could still be healthy. He was selfish and careless. In many ways, he sucks.
But what makes this tough for me, and makes me hope you might give him a little grace, is that he sucks in the exact way airline policies and everything else about the official “end” of COVID have encouraged all us suck.

Between the terrible politicization of the virus from the start, the misinformation around it, the changing and incoherent policies to contain it, the issues with access to testing and vaccinations, and the fact that it’s totally impractical for many people to isolate when the have symptoms, it’s pretty safe to assume it’s flying around everywhere, especially in this season of general respiratory illness. And not just because of people like your friend. There are the people who didn’t ever believe in COVID; the people who used to believe in it but can’t deal with thinking about it anymore, so they simply never interrogate their sudden attacks of “bad allergies”;  the people who are worried they may have COVID but don’t have a test; the people who can’t afford to take time off work when they have COIVD; the people like my teacher friend who have to go back five days after testing positive even if they’re still testing positive; and the people who have held onto the belief that even if they do have COVID, carrying Lysol wipes will keep them from spreading it. Everyone who boarded that flight knew that someone like your friend was likely to be on board. And, if my recent air travel experience is any indication, probably about two of them wore a mask. That’s a terrible thing, especially for people who are particularly vulnerable and those who, like you, have had their lives upended by infections that take a serious physical toll. But it is the crappy reality we live in.

All of that is to say, there are a million ways in which our country has really failed horribly when it comes to this virus. It may make more sense to direct your anger at the decision-makers responsible for those failures, than at one person poorly navigating an ongoing pandemic without any institutional intervention. Plus, you are already dealing with a lack of support during a really hard time, and I hate to think of you punishing yourself by cutting off a friend whose precautions don’t hold up under scrutiny. After all, if you look very closely, very few people’s do.

If, after thinking about this, you still get mad or disgusted when you think about this guy, there’s no way around that. You can’t be friends with someone you’ve come to think about this way. And no one could fault you for holding a grudge against the exact type of person who caused your suffering. It just might be worth reflecting on whether you’re really mad at him, or at something much bigger.

More Advice From Slate

I work as a personal assistant to an actress. Almost anyone would recognize her and know her name. She is a normal and down-to-earth person who has become my friend. A few days ago, my father died. My family is in the middle of making funeral arrangements. My boss made a comment about attending the funeral to pay respects to my dad, whom she became friendly with because he is such a fun, lovable guy. But here is the thing: I feel sick to my stomach at the thought that everyone at the wake and reception will be gawking at her, trying to subtly take pictures of her and asking for autographs.