My husband just confirmed the grudge I suspected he held against our daughter

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

My husband admitted to me, unprompted, that he prefers our son over our daughter.

I don’t know what to do. I had suspicions but always ignored them. Our son is less than a year older than her. Our daughter is the result of a birth control failure way too soon after my first pregnancy, and so 1) we didn’t realize I was pregnant again until I was six months along, and 2) her birth was really hard. He was not happy during the newborn phase when it felt like our son was barely past it and suddenly we had a second baby. But as she got older, it seemed like things were getting better. He’s a devoted dad to our son, and he does the same things for our daughter but there isn’t as much warmth behind them, even if the words and actions are identical.

Our kids are now 5 years old, old enough to be able to be able to pick up on adult behavior. He claims that for him it’s just a “boy thing” but I think it’s more than that, and I don’t know what to do. He didn’t tell me in front of the kids, but he doesn’t seem ashamed or guilty either. I’m heartbroken to have my suspicions confirmed but I also have no idea what to do now. It hurts that someone I love so much is turning out to be so indifferent to our baby, especially because we both said we’d do better than our own parents. What do I do?

—Playing Favorites

Dear Playing,

You should encourage your husband to talk to a therapist about his issues with your daughter. Explain that it seems as though he never got past his issues with how she came to be, and that it’s important that he doesn’t take these feelings out on her. He needs to know that your children are old enough to pick up on the difference in how he relates to them, and that his behavior could have a devastating effect on your daughter. She is just as much his child as your son, and she is deserving of just as much love and affection.

There are ways in which he may feel more connected to your son because of gender, but that isn’t an excuse for him to shortchange his daughter. Bring up your shared commitment to be better parents than the ones you guys had. Talk about how crucial it is for a little girl to have a healthy relationship with her father, and that he is setting the tone for how she will deal with boys and men for the rest of your life. And offer to keep him accountable and point out to him when it seems that he’s showing favoritism toward your son. Don’t throw your hands up in frustration if he doesn’t seem to agree with your observations; continue urging him to do better by your little girl until he gets the message.

—Jamilah