How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m in a long-term relationship that’s been satisfying emotionally, mentally, and sexually. We explore and try new things, I feel cared for and loved. I have no complaints.
The problem is this new hobby I’ve developed that I haven’t shared and can’t seem to stop. I have been sexting with people on an online platform. Every time I go to delete my account and end all communication, I can’t seem to make myself do it. I’m not even doing anything I can’t ask for in my current relationship, it just makes me feel desired in a way I haven’t felt in so long.
Why am I doing this? How do I make myself stop?
—Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop
Dear Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop,
You don’t know and I can only guess, but since you’re making me, I feel like novelty is at least part of the draw here—the one thing your partner can’t be for you is other people. It’s exciting to interact with a variety of people in this way, and it’s flattering to hear how hot you are from multiple sources. The dopamine of it all—the rewards that such stimulation and its notifications give you—may also be what’s making this a hard habit to break. The process of hunting and then being rewarded in some way (usually via attention) is what keeps people glued to apps.
If you really want to pull the plug, you can look into an app/website blocker like Freedom. It allows you to schedule blocking times—perhaps that could be a useful way of attacking this, rather than going cold turkey.
You say that you’re not even doing anything you can’t ask for in your current relationship, but does your current relationship allow for flirting with other people? Are you at all open? It might be time to have that conversation if you’re interested in it. You can, in theory, avoid the avenues that are bringing you attention but that will do nothing to dash your desire. And then what? It’s possible that you aren’t receiving the sort of validation you’re looking for in your relationship anymore, which is both normal and common for many long-term couples. Some kind of modification to your life/relationship may be necessary to achieve what your body and mind are yearning for.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 62-year-old man who has been married for 32 years. I’m struggling with the fact that my wife is no longer interested in sex. I’m “virile” and very attracted to her, and have no interest in stepping outside of my marriage. But every time I try to have sex with her, she says “oh, you’re always horny” or that she’s just not interested. When I push, we maybe fool around some, or she “takes care of me,” but this only happens about once every two months.
I read where couples in their 60s average sex about 20 times per year. We’re not even close to average, and it’s not close to what I’m looking for. We have not had intercourse in years, because she says it’s painful. I’ve suggested she get products to help, but she won’t. I’ve broached the subject many times, as tough as it is to let her know how I feel, but she is not responsive. Any suggestions?
—Faithful but Wanting
Dear Faithful but Wanting,
Compare and despair, my friend. I don’t know where you got your data that suggests couples in their 60s have sex 20 times a year, but none of that is relevant to your situation anyway. There’s always going to be someone out there who has more than you, and that’s not a failing on your part—it’s just a product of the great diversity of experience on this planet.
I understand that you have broached this subject with your wife repeatedly, though I’m less clear on how. If you came from a transactional place or evinced a perspective that centered your needs and desires, it may have pushed her away. It is my hunch that her lack of desire could be tied to menopause, and perhaps this is frustrating or sad to her. Or maybe the desire has been eradicated to the extent that she has no drive to get it back. We’ve gotten quite a few questions from people on both sides of this issue, and it might stir up some empathy to read what later-in-life desire drop-off feels like coming from a woman. Check out this column’s fourth question (written by “Off Switch”).
There are things your wife could do to make sex less painful (dilators with lube, vaginal estrogen, perhaps hormone replacement therapy), and there are people she could talk to about low desire, but if she doesn’t want to do anything about it, nothing will actually get done. Until then, both of you might benefit from reading about the concept of responsive desire, in which, as Emily Nagoski writes in her book Come As You Are (a HTDI fav) “desire emerges only in a highly erotic context.” In a manner of speaking, the cart is put before the horse here, as opposed to the more commonly talked about spontaneous desire, in which desire leads people to seek (or create) erotic contexts themselves. Nagoski writes that five percent of men and 30 percent of women experience desire in a responsive manner. It could be that the sexual situations you’re providing, which sound like they amount to badgering, just aren’t doing it for your wife. It may be very useful for you to find out what would turn her on. What type of sex might be worth wanting for her?
After finding out what’s going on—by asking her at a time when you’re both at peace and not distracted—you could inquire what she thinks you should do given the situation. If sex with her is effectively off the table, does she think it’s fair for it to be for you as well? Would she be amenable to an open relationship? Is the desire divide so irreconcilable that it’s time to consider divorce? Use such conversations (they may be ongoing) as an opportunity to explore and understand, rather than to judge and decide. If you can’t find any momentum or achieve progress there, consider couples counseling.
Oh, and stop pushing. I know it’s a means of achieving the sexual contact that you have found so elusive, but it’s not cool or fair to her and it may do a disservice to your cause in the long run. If she’s associating sex with your pressure, why would she feel like opening up about it at all, even if it’s just emotionally?
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Dear How to Do It,
I have always considered myself fully heterosexual. But lately, I have had a strong bi-curious urge to try performing fellatio. I have always thoroughly enjoyed receiving it, and the idea that I could make someone feel that good is something I would like to try. To feel a penis growing from flaccid to erect in my mouth, and hearing my partner moan while I bring them to orgasm sounds amazing. I fantasize about it frequently and often suck a dildo when I masturbate and when making love with my female partner, having her push the toy in and out of my mouth.
The problem for me is trying to figure out how to find a way to explore this fantasy with a real person. I live in a relatively small town, so I am highly reluctant to put myself out there on a dating site as a bisexual, or on one of the exclusively gay sites. I know a gentleman in town who is a leader in the LGBTQ+ community and clearly sex-positive. He organizes monthly gatherings and a couple of annual events. I was thinking of talking with him about it and asking him to introduce me to someone who might be willing to discreetly allow me to explore this fantasy. But it might be awkward or imposing to ask him about that, and I know it’s not his responsibility to find me someone to give a blow job to.
It may just be the fantasy that turns me on, and I’m highly aware that if I tried it, I might not enjoy it as much as I thought I would. And I don’t want to take that risk for something that might just turn out to be a one-time experiment. Plus, frankly, I feel a little embarrassed about having this specific bisexual fantasy.
I am extroverted and have little trouble talking to people about most things, but this one is something that has me confused about how to approach. Do you have any ideas about how I can try and put this fantasy into real life while maintaining discretion and keeping the urge out of the broader public knowledge base? Any guidance you can provide is appreciated.
—Curious and Clueless
Dear Curious and Clueless,
Using hook-up sites/apps is not tantamount to coming out. You can use them anonymously (no pics) or semi-anonymously (pics without your face or other identifying features). Just be very specific about what you’re looking for in your profile and ensuing chats. Not using pics will put you at a disadvantage (people are less likely to reach out/hookup in the absence of photographs) but sometimes what people are looking for (a hungry mouth in your case) supersedes the who of the matter. You may also want to do some exploring, whether more boldly on apps or in bathhouses when you’re traveling and no one will know who you are anyway. You also have the option of a glory hole—your local adult book store, should one exist, may have an area for them/private booths. They exist to maintain anonymity.
Talking to the sex-positive community leader could go either way. He could be very relaxed about it and be happy to introduce you to a guy who loves getting sucked, or he could find the entire exchange inappropriate given that he doesn’t know you like that and maybe doesn’t see himself as a sex coordinator/pro-bono pimp. It really depends on his outlook and how comfortable he is with you. You wrote that you know him, but I wonder how well. Is he matter of fact about his sex life? Have you discussed it at length with him before? You might want to get to know him a little better and have conversations that circle this particular craving of yours before sinking right down on the meat of the matter.
This is the obligatory part of my answer in which I tell you that you’ll feel so much better doing this stuff when you don’t have to do it secretly. You’ll find that it’s hard to look over your shoulder with a dick in your mouth.
Your embarrassment may dissipate when you have firsthand knowledge of the joy of sucking. I think your task is to get over the hump here and stop making excuses. I’ve written this answer assuming that you and your partner are open and/or she is OK with you exploring here. If not, disregard all of this and have that conversation first.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
Recently, I had a hookup with a guy. After we were finished I noticed there was a video camera in the corner. When I asked him what it was, he quickly ran over and turned it off. Something felt off, so I went and checked the chat room where we met after I left, and sure enough, he’d been live-streaming it, without my consent, to 74 people. I feel really violated, but I’m not sure what to do.
Rachel Carter is a health and wellness expert dedicated to helping readers lead healthier lives. With a background in nutrition, she offers evidence-based advice on fitness, nutrition, and mental well-being.
