My wife hates the way I initiate sex. She doesn’t like my solution either.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I are in our early 40s with kids, and more than eight out of the 13 married years have been sexless (kids, illness for my wife, and mismatch in parenting and home responsibilities all have contributed). I would be happy with once a week, but she doesn’t seem to want any intimacy. After a major surgery last year, she appears to be improving slowly. She still has health issues and requires IV infusions every six to eight weeks, but has been able to increase physical activity and now walks four to eight miles daily. I (and my wife) have tried to prioritize intimacy in the last few months (we have kissed and made out recently—our first attempts at physical intimacy in over six months).

However, she told me that on two occasions (of the handful that we had any intimacy in the last several years), I made sexual advances (I was “pawing” her) when she had not wanted me to. Both episodes that she brought up happened in the last year, and I clearly recall them as consensual. When I spoke with her and asked if it was not consensual, she said, “That’s not what I meant.” She has brought up the pressure she feels from me on occasions when I think we are flirting.

The first time she brought this up, I proposed that she initiate any type of physical intimacy. She did not appear to be happy with that proposal. I did not eliminate trying to be suggestive in our conversations. In light of the most recent discussion about the pressure she feels and that I was pawing at her when she did not want to, I would like some suggestions on better communication. How do I make sure that anything we do is not causing her to feel pressured, short of not initiating any kind of intimacy or talk about it? I will also ask her about this, but I was so taken aback and saddened by her comment that I want to take some time to process things in my head before I approach her, and also get outside counsel.

—Muzzled

Dear Muzzled,

It’s better to err on the side of concern for consent, so, great job there. But it seems like your wife is trying to approach this with nuance while you’re coming at it from a binary framework. And I’m wondering whether you’re jumping to offering solutions without taking the time to listen to—and, crucially—hear, the detail and complexity she’s trying to share with you about her experiences of the intimacy the two of you have shared recently.

Post #MeToo movement, I’ve seen two particularly non-useful reactions from men who live in the United States. One is to behave as though anything that isn’t rape is OK—and, to be clear, that does not seem to be what you’re doing here. The other reaction is to become so invested in whether something is non-consensual that it obscures concepts like “not wanting sex but doing it for the intimate connection because my partner doesn’t hug, or look me in the eyes, or engage in acts outside of sex that feel like love to me,” or “tolerating sex because we know this is our partner’s main love language,” or “I don’t like the way you approached and would have been into it if you’d approached differently,” among others. I do think you’re doing this one. All against a backdrop of a tendency to try to solve the problem before really understanding what the problem is.

So, if any of this sounds like you, I’d open the conversation again with an apology for neglecting to listen, followed by a request that she try, again, to share what she was telling you during your last few talks. When she’s talking, pay attention to what she’s saying. Your task is to absorb the information she’s giving you. You can also try reflecting your understanding of what she said back to her for extra clarity.

—Jessica Stoya

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I’m a 28-year-old woman who’s been married to my husband for five years now. He is the only sexual partner I’ve ever had (for penetrative sex at least), and I generally enjoy what we do a lot. I just have one issue—an issue I’ve always had, now that I think about it.