What to do when a family member hooks up with a sitter.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve never really liked my father-in-law, “David,” but up until last week, I thought my feelings just represented ordinary not-getting-along-with-the-in-laws. David was visiting us for a little bit, and my husband and I were heading out for the evening. David’s an old man, and somewhat frail, so he wasn’t up to looking after our son, “Todd,” especially as Todd can be rather rambunctious. Fortunately, we have a very reliable babysitter, “Claire,” who was able to take on the task, and we went out and had a pleasant evening.

We got back at around 11. Todd was asleep. We paid Claire and were settling in for the night when I noticed that Claire’s car was still in the driveway. I went looking for her to make sure everything was all right, and found her in bed with David …

It was awkward as all hell. She’s 19 years old, so I suppose it’s not illegal, but it was revolting to catch them like that.

We can find a new babysitter, but a father-in-law is harder to replace. David is completely unapologetic, and has said directly to me that he’s a 73-year-old widower and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get a chance like that again. He was also adamant that they did nothing but talk until after my husband and I got home, and Todd was fast asleep by then, so what’s the problem?

My husband is also less than supportive. He thinks it’s a bit weird, but not as skeevy and gross as it clearly is. If it were just up to me, I’d cut the old pervert out of our life entirely, but I can’t exactly do that if my husband invites him over again or something. How do I get through to him that this is wrong and we can’t let some old sicko like that near us?

—Reaching for Brain Bleach

Dear Reaching,

Well! It seems that Claire is also rather rambunctious, but your father-in-law could handle her just fine. Hey-o!

Forgive me for making fun. This is a sitcom-ready tale, and I can’t wait for commenters to identify whatever actual sitcom it is that this scenario came from. But let’s take your letter at face value. I think you should leave your value judgment at the door here. It is not up to you to determine whether their hookup is disgusting, inspirational, or merely comedic. The age gap is not the problem vis-à-vis your relationships with either of these people.

Claire obviously showed terrible judgment in leaping into a bed with a relative of her employer, at her employer’s house. You would indeed be well advised to find yourself a new babysitter. As for David, he violated a pretty basic houseguest rule: You do not try to bang a rando in someone else’s guest room! Not without asking first. But that would hold true whether that rando was your babysitter or a 73-year-old widow he picked up at Applebee’s.

I’d urge you to get past your distaste and move on. He’s your husband’s father; you’re unlikely to remove him from your life entirely. Feel free to tell your husband that David should stay in a hotel if he wants to visit again—that way this golden bachelor can entertain whichever of your town’s eligible ladies he likes, and you’ll never have to know about it.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son (13) is failing in school, and I (30F) have no idea how to help him. I’ve tried the typical fixes—tutors, positive reinforcement, punishment for failing grades, etc. None of it works, and just adds more stress to my household. Learning disabilities have been ruled out; he simply doesn’t care about his grades, and to be honest, I don’t blame him. I don’t care about his grades that much either.

I suspect this is because I was myself a terrible student, both in terms of grades and behavior. I dropped out at 16, earned my GED, and started working. I decided I wanted to go to college when I was 20, and was accepted into a good school where I made the Dean’s list every semester and graduated with a bachelor’s degree and a 3.9 cumulative GPA. I have a good job with great benefits, I’m married to a wonderful man, and I’m expecting my second child soon.

This is all to say that I know firsthand that K–12 grades are not an indication of future success and happiness. While his grades are awful, he doesn’t have any behavioral issues, and this is what I care more about. I can handle him having F’s, but I would not tolerate disrespect or cruelty. He isn’t a troublemaker, he has a thriving social life, and hobbies he loves (all things I failed at in my adolescence).

Nevertheless, I worry all the time that I’ve set him up for failure with my admittedly lax attitude towards grades. How can I help him care about his grades when I don’t care about them either? How can I care about his grades when my experience has taught me how little they matter at this stage?

—Pot, Meet Kettle

Dear Kettle,

What a fascinating situation! I’m inclined to agree with you, and with your son, that grades don’t matter. Or rather, they matter only inasmuch as they contribute to a specific version of your present and future happiness that you’ve bought into. He doesn’t care about the kind of future that good grades might bring, and so I think it’s not worth family stress and chaos to keep pushing him where he doesn’t want to go. You’re living proof, as you say, that school really matters only when you’re truly bought into it, as you were once you turned 20.

What does he actually think about school? Does he like being there with his friends, and just shrugs off doing badly in classes? Does he find the material interesting, but simply doesn’t do any of the work? Does it drive him nuts to be, in his view, wasting his time in a classroom? The answers to these questions might help decide what he should be doing once he turns 17—or whatever age you have to be in your state before you can legally drop out of high school. (You should look it up!) Until then, he may find it motivating to be reminded that if his grades drop too far, he could be held back, separating him from his friends—although given the situation in many American schools right now, it’s possible he’ll just keep on advancing through the grades, regardless.

And here’s what I’m most curious about: What are those hobbies? And do any of them suggest a way forward in life for a kid who may or may not suddenly decide, as you did, that college is for him? There are real advantages and disadvantages to the European educational system, but one thing it’s good at is finding kids for whom formal education is just not doing it and slotting them into technical and apprentice programs. That can be trickier in the U.S. One way you can be a helpful parent now, I think, is to familiarize yourself with the world of vocational education, so that whatever decision he makes three, four, or seven years down the road, you can help him. My guess is that once upon a time you, a nontraditional first-year college student with a toddler, had support of some kind from others. I hope you’re ready to support him in useful ways, too.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex was emotionally disturbed and extremely manipulative. Our daughter was her favorite target. She walked out on us when our daughter was 3 and then came back when she was 9. My ex convinced our daughter that I had “kidnapped” her, and that my second wife was the reason why our marriage failed. (I didn’t even meet my second wife until two years after my first wife left.) The courts gave her equal custody, but my ex didn’t want being a mother to cramp her style, so half the time she wouldn’t show. When she did, she showered presents on our daughter while filling her head with fantasies and lies (they would be moving to Hollywood to make my daughter a movie star if I wasn’t standing in the way, and so on). We had our daughter in therapy for years, until she refused to go. It couldn’t make a dent in what her mother put in her head.

People kept telling me to hold on, that my daughter would grow up and wise up to her mother’s actions. She is 26 and more like her mother every day. She twists the truth until it breaks. Over the holidays, she screamed at our 9-year-old that he was the reason that we “threw” her out of the house when she was 17. (The real story: My wife was pregnant, and we were moving to be near her family and a better job for me. My daughter wanted to finish out high school here, and moved in with a friend.) She has previously accused my wife and I of “stealing” the money her grandmother left her. The reality is that it ran out the third time she failed out of college.

She cuts me out of her life whenever it is convenient for her and wants back in as soon as she has to face the consequences of her own choices. The latest was her needing help to pay for a lawyer. She was facing vandalism charges after she defaced her ex’s car. Her mother once did something like that to me. After the incident with our other children, my wife told me she was done: If my daughter was back in our lives like this, she was taking the kids and leaving me. I feel like I am breaking in two. I love my daughter and I did my best to raise her right and it wasn’t enough. How do you let go?

—Hopeless and Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

I’m truly sorry that your daughter treats you, and your family, this way. Don’t think of it as “letting go,” exactly; you won’t ever let go of what she means to you, or of your love for her. But that doesn’t mean that she has a role to play in your life right now, or for the foreseeable future. Be extremely clear in your message to your daughter: She is not welcome at your house or in your lives.

This will hurt, a lot, and will continue hurting. There’s nothing I can do to make that not true. You say that your daughter tried therapy; have you? A therapist might be able to help you find some peace amid the chaos that you have endured, and to help you draw, and stick to, the boundaries that will be necessary to protect your family right now.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I love my children and grandchildren, but I am done raising children. My knees are not what they once were and I can’t be running after little ones every hour of the day. I am retired and I enjoy my garden and volunteer work.

My daughter-in-law, “Francine,” has a serious problem with it. She constantly complains that I am not doing “enough” for her, my son, and their three children. I am happy to watch my grandchildren a few hours every week to give their parents a break, but that isn’t good enough in her book. Even if I watch the children, she complains that I haven’t cleaned up enough, or cooked dinner, or done the laundry.

I tell my son how hurtful and disrespected this makes me feel and all he does is make excuses that Francine is just having a bad day. It seems like it is all bad days now. I understand the pair of them have been stressed since the birth of their third child two years ago, especially with how much extra work they both have taken on to pay the bills—but I am tired of the constant digs and doubts about my capacity. The other day Francine told me that most grandparents would kill to be around their grandchildren every day and here I was being “too tired,” but not “too tired” to volunteer at the local school (I help with math tutoring). I had to make an excuse to leave the room before I said something nasty.

Francine and I used to get along pretty well, but right now, I don’t like being around her. I love my grandchildren but I am tempted to go on an extra-long trip to see my sisters, just to get away from this situation.

—Grandma, Not a Maid

Dear Not a Maid,

Grandma, take that extra-long trip! It’s time to give you a break from your son’s family, and to give your son and daughter-in-law a chance to see what life looks like with no grandparent help at all.

And when you get back, sit down with your son and tell him that while you love your grandchildren, you can commit only to one regular babysitting stint per week. Remind him that you are a relative, not hired help, and so you will not be receptive to demands to do their housework. (To avoid such issues, you might consider having babysitting nights at your place, not theirs.) You can’t stop Francine from acting however she is going to act, but you can certainly treat her with calm, icy politeness, secure in the knowledge that you are right.

The other option, of course, is to cut them off entirely, but my guess is that you don’t want to do that—that you do want to spend time with the grandchildren and with your son and even with Francine, if she wasn’t being a jerk. So I’d advise sticking it out, with very firmly guarded boundaries; over the next few years, this young couple who are having such a hard time right now may well find their way to being kinder and more respectful of you. You may also find that as the children get older—and as the condition of your knees matters less in enjoying their company than the connection between your hearts—you’ll find yourself more eager to spend time with them (even if you still don’t want to do their laundry).

—Dan

More Advice from Slate

I am a woman of color, married to a white man for the past six years; we have a beautiful 3-month-old son together. Our problem is my husband’s mother, who lives in England. I’ve always known that she is a bigot who merely tolerated me as a daughter-in-law, but she exposed herself as a full-blown racist when we told her I was pregnant: She said really ugly things about her family’s bloodline being sullied by my child. My husband was horrified and embarrassed and supports my cutting off all communication with her. I no longer see her during our visits to the U.K. (several times a year) and I am resolute she will never lay her eyes on our child. However, I do worry about what we will tell our son about his grandmother when he starts to wonder who and where she is—especially since his other grandma (my mom) is extremely close to us and we see her every couple of weeks. When he is old enough to ask, do we tell him that his English grandmother is dead?