The Naming of Cats, T.S. Eliot observed, is a difficult matter. And not just of cats. From newly discovered celestial bodies to newly identified species – not to mention new humans, the bestowing of a name that will identify them for ever requires careful thought.
Scientific classification is governed by strict rules. The website of the Greenwich Royal Observatory notes that “There are only a few things money can’t buy, and your name on a star is one of them” – which must be a tremendous frustration for various space-fancying billionaires. If you can’t lend your name to a star, you could settle for a snail-eating snake. Sibon irmelindicaprioae, a newly described Panamanian species, was named by Leonardo DiCaprio after his mother – a gesture for which she is no doubt duly grateful.
When it comes to the naming of humans, a touch of quasi-scientific oversight might not be a bad thing. The rules about what you may call your offspring vary wildly. The UK takes a liberal line – we are, after all the cradle of such hortatory Puritan names as Agony (husband to Mrs Beetle, the jazz-loving domestic from Stella Gibbons’s novel, Cold Comfort Farm) and the 17th-century property developer, If-Jesus-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned Barbon (or Nicholas, as he was known for short).
If only Fernando Fitz-James Stuart, the 17th Duke of Huéscar, had followed the example of Nicholas Barbon’s father, Praise-God, when it came to registering the name of his infant daughter. Spain exercises a light touch when it comes to naming children, so when he went to register the baptismal name of little Sofia Fernanda Dolores Cayetana Teresa Angela de la Cruz Micaela del Santísimo Sacramento del Perpetual Socorro de la Santísima Trinidad y de Todos Los Santos, the duke can hardly have anticipated the official objection to “a string of names that surpass all rules”. Two simple names are the maximum, he was told. Or one compound (hyphenated) name.
This hardly seems fair: the duke’s elder daughter, Rosario, also exceeds the official allowance with a comparatively modest six names. Still, if compound names are permissible, the solution is surely to follow the Puritan example, and hyphenate.
At least little Sofia etc has an unremarkable first name. It could be much worse, and for many a 21st-century infant, it will be. In the States (arriving here shortly, if they haven’t already) baby name consultants are a thing. “The process of choosing a baby name is about …selecting a name that reflects the fulness [sic] of who this child will be”, writes Taylor A. Humphrey, the founder of whatsinaname.com. Options include a bespoke, “Instagram-ready baby name list” or, for a “blogger or influencer who needs help with Baby Name Branding”, a “Full-Service Baby Naming Concierge”.
Of the many reasons children find to resent their parents, living with an on-brand name selected by a concierge might be high on the list. The fancifully named offspring of the hippie counterculture notoriously rebelled against their parents by embracing conventional lifestyles. A generation hence, the current crop of Elsie Otters, Cricket Pearls and Exa Dark Sideraels will probably be outraging the grandparents by inflicting on their children names of achingly fashionable dullness: Nigel, Janet, Peter, Ann.
Dr. Sarah Adams is a scientist and science communicator who makes complex topics accessible to all. Her articles explore breakthroughs in various scientific disciplines, from space exploration to cutting-edge research.
